My balls are so social today.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
