i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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