why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
