im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
