My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
