I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
