My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
