I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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