now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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