We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He passed out mid-signature
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
