I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
