I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
