Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
