all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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