This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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