Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
