i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
