break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
