How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
