the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
