Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
