Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
