He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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