I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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