I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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