i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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