The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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