dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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