Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
