yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
