So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize