I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
