ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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