So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
