There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
