sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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