he referred to my room as the tit cave...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
