OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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