My underwear smells like fireworks.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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