best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
