we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize