I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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