I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
