when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
