mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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