her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
