I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
