Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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