I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
