I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize