It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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