Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
