Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
me + whiskey = a bad person
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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