dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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