I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
