Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just high enough for therapy.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
