apparently the secret to your success is patron
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
