WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize