Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
