If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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