She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
