my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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