i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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