I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
